Body Image

Before I start, let me say this. I, in no way, think I'm 'fat' so please don't get offended that a 'skinny' person isn't happy with their body. I mean that in the nicest way possible. :) 

Okay....I'm going to be critical of myself as we all are so bear with me. 

We, as women have our own body issues that we don't like about ourselves. I have always been skinny. I have a small frame so that pretty much comes natural. In my teens and early 20s I was in shape and skinny. I was active in general but also worked out. However, I have always had 'cankles'. Seriously...I have big ankles and you can barely tell where they stop and my calves start. No matter how much I worked out, they didn't seem to get smaller. I still don't like them but I've learned to live with it. Moving up a little, since my very early 20's I've had spider veins above the back of my knee, my ankles, and now other areas of my legs. These to me are so unsightly and make me feel like an old lady!! I'm too young for these! I will eventually get laser repair for those (I hope). I talked to a dr about it and they recommended waiting until I'm done having children. I keep waiting for that. Maybe I should go ahead and do it. Staying with the legs, my thighs are cellulite and not really toned. They could be worse but could definitely be better. I am appalled at myself in shorts. GROSS!!! Moving up again, my butt....aye aye aye...it's saggy and jiggly....always has been. Yes, I have a butt that looks decent in jeans so I can't complain with that but with a swimsuit or nothing at all, I just think EWWW!! Don't even get me started on running, working out, or dancing. JIGGLE JIGGLE JIGGLE!! Up to my stomach. I must say, before I had Kiya, I loved my stomach and never really had to work on it. I had nice abs and rarely had what I felt might be love handles and I had a cute little belly button. During pregnancy...the last 2 weeks I might add....I got the dreaded stretch marks. They itched like crazy!! From the time I had her, I covered my stomach up with my arm anytime my husband was around. Not only was I embarrassed by my stretch marks but also my flabby disgusting stomach. How could anyone be attracted to THAT!!?? I felt so ugly and hated my body from that point. Luckily, my stretch marks aren't red anymore like they were at first. Now they are white and are only around my belly button area but they are still noticeable and wrinkly looking because of the loose skin. I HATE HATE HATE my stomach. I am grossed out by it. Seriously. I'm still very self conscious about it though I'm trying my best to just deal with it. I'm really not self-conscious about my arms because they are naturally skinny as a rail. Haha!! I'm also self-conscious about my jaw and my nose. I don't like either one of those. I didn't like it anyway but it made it worse when someone actually pointed it out. They said 'Wow. Your chin sticks out really far.' Um. Gee. Thanks for noticing!! Really!!?? Let's state the obvious here. Anyway. It made me realize that obviously I wasn't the only one that noticed it and maybe I had a real reason for not liking it. It really bothered me. I'm pretty much over it now though. I still don't like it though and I hope my daughter's isn't the same. I got it from my dad. Some of these things, I wonder if I just worked out harder, ate strictly, etc....would they be the way I wanted them. Days I feel like I've worked out hard enough that they should be better than they are. I feel like there's no progress so I give up. Probably not the right thing to do. :) Who else thinks 'EWWWWWW!' when they look in the mirror while getting dressed?  I do quite often. Too often I'm sure. Okay...enough complaining. Now for the positive part.

As I get older, instead of dwelling on my stomach (my biggest issue)...maybe I should just be happy with the body that I have. I am skinny and I think pretty healthy and for now I'm still in my 20's. I should be enjoying it. I also learned something the hard way. One day a few years ago when my daughter was close to 2 yrs old. I said something like 'I look fat in this' when Kiya was in the room. Later she said.."mommy fat". That's when I realized I shouldn't say these things with Kiya around. I want her to think that I'm confident and that I'm happy with myself. I know that one day she'll go through these struggles as well. When she's a teen, that's when body image is most important to us. I want her to be confident with herself and her body. She also sees me workout so hopefully she will follow in my footsteps with that. I finally wore a bikini out in public. I was very self-conscious about my stomach. I mean VERY but I just had to try to ignore it. I have to remind myself that my body is a temple and I should really take care of it. Inside and out. I've been working more on the inside lately which is a good thing. Maybe that's why I'm slacking on the outside. Okay. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. :) 

Psalm 139:13-16
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.