As I sort of mentioned in my last post, my husband and I have been trying to conceive for 3 yrs now. For anyone that has had infertility, you know that this feels like a lifetime!! With baby #1 it was 9 months of TTC so we expected that baby #2 would take a while. We just never even imagined that it would take THIS long!
We actually started trying again in July of 2009 (more than 3 yrs ago). In September of 2009, my husband's job forced him to move away from where we lived. My daughter and I stayed where we were because his location wasn't guaranteed for any length of time. About a month later, my daughter Kiya and I moved in with family in MS until my husband's job was settled. FYI...same company, different locations. He bounced around different locations for about 8 months. For 7 months before her 2nd birthday, we lived 17 hrs apart and saw each other only once a month. That was tough! Life as a railroad wife. Finally, in April of 2010 we moved to where he was and that's when I consider us really starting to TTC. So, with that being said, April 2013 will be three years. In those 3 yrs, we have moved a lot, gone through a lot and of course, had a lot of disappointing months. Looking back, I'm glad it didn't happen in the first year. There was way too much moving going on. I know that God has a plan for us and He obviously knew what he was doing.
We are so blessed to have our daughter Kiya. She is our pride and joy. She's smart, beautiful, kind and friendly but she's also stubborn and strong-willed. I'm told that will help her as an adult but right now she's torturing her mommy. Haha !!! She knows what she wants and has a mind of her own. She's a lot like her daddy for sure. The longer it takes us to get pregnant now, the more I appreciate having her. There is not one day that goes by that I don't wish I was pregnant RIGHT NOW!! I just have to keep reminding myself that God has a plan. As my husband and I got married and made 'our' plans, we didn't know that they wouldn't go as hoped. We hoped for a boy first and a girl second. Two kids, two years apart. I'm sure God laughed when we came up with that plan. If I got pregnant right now, our children would be over 5 yrs apart. Nowhere close to what we hoped. I see so many of my friends and family that are either pregnant, just had a baby or are done having children (according to their plan). I am SO happy for them. I have no bad feelings towards any of them or any negative feelings. Babies are such a blessing! It just gives me more little ones to hold and love on. :) I can't say that it's not hard though. I see people that get pregnant on 'accident' or almost as easy as looking at each other gets them pregnant and I just think 'IT'S NOT FAIR' but I can't think that way. I know God has a plan and I am going to keep saying that to remind myself. Today's sermon at church was just what I needed. The pastor said 'God wants to bless you' and it's completely true. I do believe that God has a plan but it's tough to KNOW that we are going to get pregnant again. By now, we just feel like it's never going to happen. Yes, we've conceived before but now it has taken 3 yrs and it just seems like a lifetime and we want to give up. Every month we are disappointed, me more so than my husband I think. I've been to the dr several times and I have been checked and they find nothing wrong. I've taken Clomid, charted, done OPKs, charted temps, studied my cycle, everything I can think of!! Nothing works. We have considered other options but I feel like by doing that, we are trying to take control. Maybe God just wants me to not worry about it at all, not think about it....just hand it over to HIM completely. That's the hard part for me. I feel like if I don't pay attention to every detail, I'll miss 'the day' and it won't happen. I just need prayer from you guys to help me give it all to HIM 100%, not just 50%. I say to myself that God has a plan but it's just so tough to never think about it. I hear that so often...'quit trying and it will happen'. Well that's like telling someone that smokes to never think about a cigarette ever again', not possible. When you want something so bad, it's constantly on your brain. I also battle with this. I know God has a plan but in my head, I'm arguing with myself saying that maybe God's plan is that we only have one child. My sister, Jamie, opened my eyes to something and the pastor kind of said the same thing today. She said that God wants us to be happy...why would He not give you a 2nd baby that you want so bad? God wants to bless us. We just have to wait for HIM.
Isaiah 30:18
Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him
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